Jewish Jokes

Sharon is out shopping one day in Hendon when she meets rabbi Levy.
"Hello rabbi," she says. "How are you? I hope you are keeping well."
"Well if I’m not mistaken," says rabbi Levy, "it’s Mrs Gross, isn’t it?"
"Yes rabbi, it is," replies Sharon.
"I haven’t seen you in shul now for quite some time," says rabbi Levy."
"I know," says Sharon, looking quite embarrassed, "I stopped going to shul some time ago because every time I went, it was always the same thing."
"Always the same thing?" asks rabbi Levy, looking puzzled, "I don’t understand you."
"Oh you must know, rabbi," explains Sharon, "KOL NIDRAY-AY VESORAY-AY."

The business dinner

Joshua has been making his name as a designer of smart handbags, but even he is now finding times difficult, and his business is beginning to struggle. Then one day he gets some good news and immediately phones his wife Rebecca.

"Darling," he shouts down the phone, "I’ve done a brilliant deal. Mervyn Levy, the Handbag King no less, has just told me that he loves our handbags so much that he will buy every handbag we can make for him. I’ve invited him to have dinner with us tonight so that we can close the deal. What do you think about that?"

"Mazeltov, Joshua," replies Rebecca, "that’s fantastic news. But how can we have Mervyn here for dinner when we pawned our best dinner service last month? We don't have two matching plates to our name."

"Don’t worry," says Joshua, "I’m going to go to Abe the Pawnbroker right now. I know him well and he’ll let us have our dinner service back if I pay him immediately. Just give me the number of our ticket."

"It’s 946," replies Rebecca.

So Joshua goes to Abe’s shop and pays the bill for ticket 946. Abe gives him a receipt and goes into the storeroom to look for the item held against the ticket. He returns with a canteen of silver plated cutlery.

"Abe, this isn't my item," says Joshua. "There’s been a mistake."

Abe goes back into the storeroom and returns a few minutes later. "I’ve found out what the problem is, Joshua," he says. "Rebecca had ticket 964 not 946. I gave ticket 946 to Mervyn Levy."

"Oy Vay!" says Joshua, "and to think I was planning to get rich by relying on a knocker who has to pawn his property. And that shmuck thinks he’s coming to my house for dinner tonight."

Sam was ready to tee off this gorgeous Sunday morning and looked up to the sky and said, "Please G-d, tell me there's a golf course in Heaven.

The skies opened up and a deep vice proclaimed, "Sam, I have some good news and some bad news".

"So, what's the good news?", asked Sammy.

"Sam, we have the most magnificent golf course in Heaven. Plush, green fairways. Greens as smooth as silk. Never a wait on the first tee. Never a rainy day."

Sammy replies, "That's fantastic! What could possibly be so bad?"

"You tee off tomorrow morning at 9:00 AM"

A Rabbi visiting Rome had the good fortune to have an audience with the Pope. While talking about things, the Rabbi noticed a red phone on the Pope's desk.

The Rabbi asks what the phone was for. The Pope informs him that it's a direct line to G-d.

The Rabbi askes if he can use it and the pope says of course but that he should leave $100 for the call. The Rabbi thank him and uses the phone.

A few months later, the Pope was visiting the US and makes sure to make a stop to visit his new Rabbi friend. While talking, the Pope notices a red phone on the Rabbi's desk.

The Pope asks if the phone is what he thinks it is and the Rabbi says of course. The Pope askes if he can use the phone and the Rabbi said that he may bt that he needed to leave $0.50 for the call.

The Pope was surpised and asked, "You use my phone and I ask you to leave $100 and, yet, when I use your phone I am to leave only $0.50. Why is that?"

The Rabbi smiled and replied, "Because here it is a local call."

A Jewish man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking: the supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean, and the concrete and steel it would take. It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I vish I could understand mine vife. I vant know how she feels inside, vat she tinking when she gives me da silent treatment, vy she cries, vat she means ven she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a voman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

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